Day 31 - I don't even know what day it is!

Hello, my faithful followers.  Have you missed me?  I feel guilty for not writing, because that's just who I am.  The things that have kept me from you are - in this order:


1.  Choir, Chatting with a New Friend, Project Runway - Completely Acceptable 
2.  Family Date Night and Preparing for Women's Retreat - Well, okay
3.  Sunburn and Falling Asleep at 8:15 p.m. - Sunburn at 39?  Really?  Sleep, acceptable.
4.  Sunburn - Seriously, get over yourself!
5.  General Malaise of Crankiness - No one wants to hear you whine, even on a blog


Which brings me to Day 31, I think.  I am still practically sugar free.  I had a small bite of a raisin cookie at the retreat, but it was from Portos!  I had to try it.  And I've had a couple of spoonfuls of gluten free casein free cereal with organic cane juice.  But for me, this is not bad.  Otherwise, I'm eating Uncle Sam cereal.  Really - Uncle Sam cereal!  I described it today as what they probably ate in the Matrix movie in the "real world."  It tastes like nothing.


Back to Day 31, it was a pretty awesome day.  I got some work done.  The hubby pitched in and ran some errands for me.  Including picking up my new Libman Freedom Spray Mop, which will hopefully clean my floors, save the environment and keep harmful chemicals away from my sweet child.  I'll let you know.  


And speaking of my sweet child, it was a good day for both of us.  My son has autism.  I say that he has autism, not that he is autistic.  A very wise women and mother of a son with autism pointed out to me that "autism doesn't define a child." It is just part of them.  


We are lucky.  He is considered "high functioning" and has made great strides.  He only started talking last year.  Last year, he could not tell you what he wanted for Christmas.  This year he can.  He expresses himself.  Of course, we still have issues like rigidity, social struggles, and he is still speech delayed.  But thanks to an early diagnosis, early intervention, Applied Behavior Analysis, TACA, biomedical intervention, an incredible DAN! doctor, the support of friends and family and an iron will, he is recovering.  And he is making new friends.  


Tonight, one of his new friends from the local nursery school, chose him to receive a special Halloween treat!  The same friend wanted to sit by him at a movie I orchestrated for parents and children from the school.  He is being fully included in his "neurotypical" school. 


School pictures were today.  I always dread structured activities because, you never know what you're going to get.  But he was great!  He sat there, looked directly in the camera and gave the photographer the most natural of smiles.  He even posed!  I just hadn't expected him to comply the way that he did.  It really overwhelmed me.  I am so proud of all of his accomplishments.  And in this moment, I saw my little boy growing up.


So all of this brings me back to trying to decide what more I want in life.  To make a decision, you have to know what you want.  I think I just need some quiet time, to think.  Even though it seems like the decisions may be out of my control, I still have some say in it.  In the meantime (and I would like to thank my husband for gently guiding me to this), you have to be happy with what you have.  And I really am.


And I would like to take this moment to comment on "balance."  Growing up, I was very...how do I say this?...non-organic.  I ate american cheese, cooked on teflon, microwaved things in plastic, had no problem with pesticides, like cleaning products that were "chemically", ate Cocoa Pebbles for breakfast, permed my hair and was pro-antibiotics.  I had this one friend who's mother was very "granola."  You know the type, whole wheat bread, granola for breakfast...You get the picture - in my simple mind she was way out there.  Well, now that I've completely turned into my friends mom, sometimes I go a little too organic.  Note to self, even though sunscreens are "chemically" and many of us are suffering from low Vitamin D, sunburns are worse.  


Balance.  Trust.  Be present in the moment.  And use sunscreen when doing yoga at the beach...

Day 37 - I Know the Truth and That's All That Matters

Everyday has such ups and downs.  Today was no exception.  My business keeps me fairly isolated.  It is the only thing I hate about my job.  I am a collaborator by nature.  I love it when I am working with a client in a true collaboration.  The work is always so much better.  

Today, I am uplifted after a meeting with some inspirational women.  With renewed vigor, I am working, chauffeuring the child, keeping the house and literally trying to save the world (one child at a time) with the deftness of a true supper mom.  Accomplishing much, trying to give a little more to relationships overlooked.  

And then I am confronted by an ever present shadow - pain.  It is in us all - physical pain, emotional pain.  It comes in so many forms.  Sometimes I am completely shut down by my pain.  However, today I was not dealing with my pain, but someone else's.  I started to let it affect me.  I was falling back in to my old pattern of defensiveness.  And I did for a good 10 - 15 minutes.  But then I stopped.  I stepped back, and I did not accept the pain.  It was a very internal moment.  You couldn't see it in my face or my actions.  I just said my mantra to myself:  "Just because you say it, doesn't make it true."  In the old days, knowing this in my heart didn't matter.  I had to make the other person agree.  But now, knowing it in my heart is enough.

Just because you say something, doesn't make it true.  I know the truth, and that's all that matters.

My reaction or lack of reaction changes and the pain diffuses.

I can't change you.  It's not important that I change you.  I can only change myself.  It's obvious.  So why did it take me 39 years, 10 months and 24 days to figure it out?

Day 38 - The Do-Gooder

I'm a what you might call a "do-gooder."  I do good...for other people.  Sometimes for friends, almost never for myself, my husband or my child, and almost always for complete strangers.  Why is that?  I mean, there is nothing wrong with helping other, but I'm thinking that I need to start prioritizing.  


I'm great at prioritizing when I have no other choice.  For example, I started feeling my back go out of alignment.  Immediately confident with the solution, I handed over child responsibilities to the husband and swooped in to the chiropractor who cracks me into shape.  If it's time to pick up my son from school, presto, I do it!  If I have a meeting, I'm there!  Of course, I'm usually running around the house trying to do twelve different things in the five minutes before I have to leave, but I always make it to the meeting well-prepared and on time.


In the good old days when I was an actor (*see note), we would create these "compositions."  Theatre director Anne Bogart defines composition as "a method for creating new work. It is an alternative method of writing. Rather than being alone in a room with a computer, Composition is writing with a group of people on their feet.”  Sometimes we would have 10 minutes to go from start to finish on a composition.  Sometimes we would have an hour, sometimes a day.  Ms. Bogart would say (and I would concur) that it always takes just as much time as you have been assigned to complete a project.  It is almost impossible to finish early and you always get it done.  In other words, it takes the time that you are given - no more and no less.


I see this happening in my day to day life.  Because I have very few deadlines, I tend to linger.  When does the house get cleaned?  When someone is coming over.  When do I send the birthday cards?  Usually the day before the birthday?  When do I make a reservation or book a flight?  At the last possible minute.


There is definitely a like between my inability to prioritize and my perfectionism.  I just don't want to commit if I have any doubts or if its not perfect.  How can I get over this?  I think I'll have to do some reading from the chapter my therapist gave me on perfectionism over a year ago.  You see, I didn't want to read it until I could fully commit to contemplating over it.  Seriously!


So, goals for tomorrow.  Read about perfectionism and see if there is a way to let go once and for all.  And set myself some deadlines.  Like my son, I think I need a picture schedule sometimes.  "All done checking e-mail.  Time to make phone calls."  "First, wash dishes, then watch HGTV."

Day 39 - Trusting My Instincts

It was a good day today.  Perhaps it was the yoga.  Perhaps the rain or the fact that I am sugar free for two days now.  Seriously, sugar was clouding my vision and putting me to sleep.  I am shocked at my body's reaction and how easy it was.  Granted, I still wanted to eat sugar, but I want to accomplish this goal more.  And yes, it is only day two.

A conversation happens and suddenly I feel trapped.  Trapped by propriety.  Trapped by paranoia.  Trapped by trying to be safe.  Whatever this feeling is, I have been put in a box.  There is so much I want to say.  I've got to think about this one.  Actually, I had already thought about it.  I had made my decision.  But then a little bird whispered in my ear, "Don't do it.  It's not safe."  Now I'm having second thoughts.  

Where is the balance between maintaining personal safety and putting yourself out to the world?  This has been something that I have been struggling with for years now.  Ten years ago, I would have been thoughtful, but I would have done it.  Now, I have to worry about how I will be perceived by friends, corporate america and non-friends (for lack of a more offensive word).  I feel that this restraint is what limits me and has kept me from finding the truth in myself.  

I recently saw an example of this in another person.  I attended a talk back after a screening of Amelia, where Hillary Swank was the special guest.  The film and her portrayal were uninspired.  One thing she said really opened my eyes to why this film failed.  She said something to the effect of that she wanted so badly to get Amelia right.  She didn't want to mess up.  That's it!  She didn't want to mess up.  She put such stringent limitations on herself that there is no way she could have fully portrayed this woman, who was so many things, including a failure at moments.  We all fail.  And as they say in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, "from the ashes of disaster grow the roses of success."

Seemingly I would say, "Screw it!  I'm going to throw caution to the wind and go for it!  Stop being a perfectionist!  You can do it!  You're almost 40 and you promised yourself!"  But maybe the bird is right.

Interestingly enough, what the bird has done is lead me to think outside of the box again.  How can I stand naked in front of the world when everyone has a camera phone ready?  I don't know.  But I'm going to figure it out.  

In the words of Cole Porter (inspired by Robert Fletcher's poem), "Don't fence me in."  And if you do, I'll just have to find a way around it...or over it...or...

The Lesson of the Salmon

My husband hates salmon.  I love salmon.  I almost never have salmon because restaurants usually sell farm raised, which I refuse to eat.  And my husband won't eat salmon when I make it for dinner.


Today, I made myself a delicious piece of salmon with garlic and olive oil for lunch.  Because we make our own lunches.  


Limitations set on us by others give us the opportunity to open our minds and see the possibilities.  Problem solved.

The Good & The Bad

You know what's great about approaching 40?  Relishing a night out for dinner and drinks with your girlfriends.


You know what's bad?  Getting a $40 parking ticket because you don't have patience to do the math and figure out when 90 minutes is up.


You know what's really great?  Making new friends.  Being mature enough to tell your husband you got the ticket and there's nothing we can do but pay it.  Not beating your self up over the ticket. (I am slowly dealing with my perfectionism.)  And making it home in time to snuggle with your sweet little boy until he falls asleep.  

Day 40 - This Isn't Where I Thought I'd Be

I am 39 years old.  And I am not as happy as I should be.  People have asked me if I am happy.  And I usually say something like, "enough."  And I thought it was.  But now I realize that it isn't enough.  And I am going to be 40!  It should have happened by now, right?  Well, I can't wait for it to happen to me.  I can't blame the world  or my husband or my lack of opportunity.  I have to do this for myself.  I have to find a way to be happy with myself.  In other words, I want to be the me I was always supposed to be.  But can I find her?  Do I even know who she is?

As a girl growing up in Charleston, West Virginia in the 1970's, I envisioned what my life would be.  By 40, I would most certainly have a wonderful husband with a soul mate type relationship, two perfect children, a nice house and I'd be a famous movie star.  I would be living in New York City, because LA is isn't real like New York.  I would definitely NOT be living in West Virginia.  Worthwhile goals for an 8 year old, I guess.  But not all are particularly achievable nor desirable at 39.

What I want now is to sort of rediscover myself and fall in love with her.  Please don't get me wrong.  I really like myself.  I am funny, a good friend, supportive wife, loving mother, caring of others and have had some fantastic experiences in my 39 years. But I am a flawed.  And a perfectionist.  A non-flawed perfectionist doesn't have this problem.  But a flawed perfectionist suffers at her own hand.  

This brings me to the creation of 40 Days Til 40.  I am on a journey to rediscover myself - physically, spiritually and emotionally.  If I'm going to turn 40 (which I am), I want to be happy with myself, my reactions to myself and the world.  So here is the beginning plan.

1.  I am giving up sugar.  No sugar in my coffee (which by the way, I am not giving up).  I want to be happy, not crazy.  And no artificial sweeteners.

2.  I will feed myself at least as well as I feed my child.  Organic (as much as possible).  Lots of protein.  No junk.  Maybe I will even say farewell to gluten.  Easy on the carbs.  More veggies and fruit.  Lots of water.

3.  I will exercise every day, focusing on abs and yoga.

4.  I will meditate every day.

5.  I will journal every day.

6.  I will take time to focus on myself every day.

7.  I will allow myself to be my true self.  Not perfect.  Just true.

I want to feel good about myself.  I want to be healthy.  I want to be calm.  I want to be decisive.  And I deserve it.  We all do.  I hope you will join me.  Because we're all turning 40...Someday!