Day 40 - This Isn't Where I Thought I'd Be

I am 39 years old.  And I am not as happy as I should be.  People have asked me if I am happy.  And I usually say something like, "enough."  And I thought it was.  But now I realize that it isn't enough.  And I am going to be 40!  It should have happened by now, right?  Well, I can't wait for it to happen to me.  I can't blame the world  or my husband or my lack of opportunity.  I have to do this for myself.  I have to find a way to be happy with myself.  In other words, I want to be the me I was always supposed to be.  But can I find her?  Do I even know who she is?

As a girl growing up in Charleston, West Virginia in the 1970's, I envisioned what my life would be.  By 40, I would most certainly have a wonderful husband with a soul mate type relationship, two perfect children, a nice house and I'd be a famous movie star.  I would be living in New York City, because LA is isn't real like New York.  I would definitely NOT be living in West Virginia.  Worthwhile goals for an 8 year old, I guess.  But not all are particularly achievable nor desirable at 39.

What I want now is to sort of rediscover myself and fall in love with her.  Please don't get me wrong.  I really like myself.  I am funny, a good friend, supportive wife, loving mother, caring of others and have had some fantastic experiences in my 39 years. But I am a flawed.  And a perfectionist.  A non-flawed perfectionist doesn't have this problem.  But a flawed perfectionist suffers at her own hand.  

This brings me to the creation of 40 Days Til 40.  I am on a journey to rediscover myself - physically, spiritually and emotionally.  If I'm going to turn 40 (which I am), I want to be happy with myself, my reactions to myself and the world.  So here is the beginning plan.

1.  I am giving up sugar.  No sugar in my coffee (which by the way, I am not giving up).  I want to be happy, not crazy.  And no artificial sweeteners.

2.  I will feed myself at least as well as I feed my child.  Organic (as much as possible).  Lots of protein.  No junk.  Maybe I will even say farewell to gluten.  Easy on the carbs.  More veggies and fruit.  Lots of water.

3.  I will exercise every day, focusing on abs and yoga.

4.  I will meditate every day.

5.  I will journal every day.

6.  I will take time to focus on myself every day.

7.  I will allow myself to be my true self.  Not perfect.  Just true.

I want to feel good about myself.  I want to be healthy.  I want to be calm.  I want to be decisive.  And I deserve it.  We all do.  I hope you will join me.  Because we're all turning 40...Someday!