Day 39 - Trusting My Instincts

It was a good day today.  Perhaps it was the yoga.  Perhaps the rain or the fact that I am sugar free for two days now.  Seriously, sugar was clouding my vision and putting me to sleep.  I am shocked at my body's reaction and how easy it was.  Granted, I still wanted to eat sugar, but I want to accomplish this goal more.  And yes, it is only day two.

A conversation happens and suddenly I feel trapped.  Trapped by propriety.  Trapped by paranoia.  Trapped by trying to be safe.  Whatever this feeling is, I have been put in a box.  There is so much I want to say.  I've got to think about this one.  Actually, I had already thought about it.  I had made my decision.  But then a little bird whispered in my ear, "Don't do it.  It's not safe."  Now I'm having second thoughts.  

Where is the balance between maintaining personal safety and putting yourself out to the world?  This has been something that I have been struggling with for years now.  Ten years ago, I would have been thoughtful, but I would have done it.  Now, I have to worry about how I will be perceived by friends, corporate america and non-friends (for lack of a more offensive word).  I feel that this restraint is what limits me and has kept me from finding the truth in myself.  

I recently saw an example of this in another person.  I attended a talk back after a screening of Amelia, where Hillary Swank was the special guest.  The film and her portrayal were uninspired.  One thing she said really opened my eyes to why this film failed.  She said something to the effect of that she wanted so badly to get Amelia right.  She didn't want to mess up.  That's it!  She didn't want to mess up.  She put such stringent limitations on herself that there is no way she could have fully portrayed this woman, who was so many things, including a failure at moments.  We all fail.  And as they say in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, "from the ashes of disaster grow the roses of success."

Seemingly I would say, "Screw it!  I'm going to throw caution to the wind and go for it!  Stop being a perfectionist!  You can do it!  You're almost 40 and you promised yourself!"  But maybe the bird is right.

Interestingly enough, what the bird has done is lead me to think outside of the box again.  How can I stand naked in front of the world when everyone has a camera phone ready?  I don't know.  But I'm going to figure it out.  

In the words of Cole Porter (inspired by Robert Fletcher's poem), "Don't fence me in."  And if you do, I'll just have to find a way around it...or over it...or...